A Floating Pile of Crap

Inside and out, I feel like crap. A big useless pile of it. My fallopian tubes ache and I need an ob/gyn exam. I have been sleeping on a futon and my back is falling out. I've been piling up the blankets like the princess and the pea. I feel like I am a pile of crap floating in nuclear sludge and I can't reach the shore because I don't have arms or legs anymore.

Each day as I do the job update for my sister, she continues to remind me that "you can't make a living in the arts and you need to keep looking at other things." She told me that a colleague's son is not doing well in high school and came to his mom's workplace today (a foot surgeon's office) to observe, and he nearly fainted. (She had to add the fainting part - for reasons soon to be revealed). She said he is involved with "The Blackstone Players" - a community theatre group, and his mom was trying to convince him that he could not make a living in the theatre. My sister said to her colleague "I've got one of those at home - my sister - who thinks she can make a living in the arts too." Haven't we been having the conversation about "translating my skills and abilities to other industries???" Who the xxxxx have I been talking to???!!

So, why the xxxxx did my sister tell me she told this to her colleague - about me? She is the reigning champion at one-upping and placing first class passively agressive slaps to the psyche. She is a raging member of the Mother Forces and now joining my mother - the woman who forged the welcome mat at the door of hell by delivering psychic slaps - who taught her to do this. Apparently they both now perceive me as a pathetic, third class loser who needs among other things to be guided, prodded and insulted back into "reality." Declaring everything I've accomplished in my past as frivolous and useless is not helpful. It only makes me want to repack the car and keep driving. Maybe I will after my face stops hurting and my eyes clear up from crying so damned hard. Today is one of a series of days in this week when I have felt profound, multi-layered regret and sadness for so many things about my life . . .

(Phone rings here)

Fran Daly from EDS just called, and I have an interview on Tuesday . . . it's a xxxxxx miracle. Maybe the universe is reading my blog too.