Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Time To Collect Some Good Stuff

So, today was the day I told Bob I was leaving on Friday. The conversation then filled up with all the reasons I will fail and never find any other happiness than what is here. Added to that , the reasons I am such an unhappy person. Added to that, how horrible and dysfunctional the family I am going to stay with is. Added to that, how horrible the world is and there is no hope. Added to that, how important it is for people to stay together and work things out.

So, where was the carrot here? What was the outcome supposed to be? What was I supposed to say next? "Okay, I'll stay. You are right. I am a blob of ridiculous, female fantasy." Essentially, I surrendered. "I can't have this conversation," I said. "I have nothing to tell you. Yes, I am unhappy. Yes, I am probably fantasizing. Yes, I can't tell you what I want because it wouldn't make sense to you. Yes, I understand that the world is a horrible place now and everyone should just stay put." Yikes.

So, I've decided to gather some good things people have said to me. Encouraging, kind and wonderful things that make me think I am not an ugly troll under a collapsing bridge. My friend Sherman wrote this in an email this morning:

"Hi Roberta, I saw/read your blog last night just before I went to bed and I had to write you to tell you I am impressed. I always knew you were special, and I was right. Pretty as a picture and tough as nails. As unsure as you may be about your plight and future, I am confident you’ll persevere, prevail, and succeed in whatever you decide to pursue. You are the true definition of the term “Renaissance Woman”. I am honored to be able to call you my friend."
Thanks, Sherman, for seeing me through a sad day.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Financial Summit Tonight

Tonight is the night. We sit down and do the Debt management plan together. Yikes. This is is for him. Mine comes next, on my own time. My friend Liz told me in an email today that I am brave. Catherine told me that same thing. You know, I think they are right. It is brave to extricate oneself from a toxic relationship and be willing to take the consequences. Walk through the fire to get to the other side. My one hope is that my children will not hate me for this. In time, I think our relationships will be much better. My heart wants it that way. I am just beginning the process of aligning what my heart wants with what I, me, and only me can do to make it real. That is hard. Really hard.


Make me crazy. I will be better about proofreading from now on.

Local Sanctuary

I spent some time on Thursday meditating in the place I've gone to over the years when all was lost. There is a monastery nearby and I've always found the door open. It is small, quiet, very medieval feeling and extremely sacred and safe. I'm not sure monks live there anymore. They used to walk the neighborhood. One in particular used to wave at every car that went by him. Once I walked knocked on the door to the large stone house. No one answered but the door was open. I went in and turned right down the hallway. There was an office, and a beautiful library on the way to the chapel. I was looking for someone to talk to. No one seemed to be there. I spent time in the chapel, and on that day, went to visit the beehives they keep behind the house.

Anyway, I was seeking my last bit of strength to face the departure. I found it. Now my task is to talk with Dane and tell him. Then Bob. It's going to be a difficult but necessary course of events. I will leave for the final time. I can certainly come back to visit Ariel and Dane, but I can't think about that right now. For now, I go.