Thursday, April 19, 2007
My heart is broken . . . I've been struggling with why I am here taking care of my mother during her lung cancer treatments. Ours has been a difficult life together and has been so for the past 6 weeks. I have been doing the driving to radiation everyday, to chemo on Tuesdays, following her around every market in town, browsing through WalMart, Target and a thousand other places as she tries to maintain her normal life. I have also been cleaning, taking out the trash, organizing her calendar, phone numbers, papers, and making her meals. At night I take it into her room on a tray where she is in her chair in her pajamas and robe watching the news, Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy and then American Idol or other "feature" of the evening. Tonight, when I took her dinner in to her, I had a moment of humanity. My anger for her suddenly disappeared as she looked up at me and smiled genuinely and said thank you. It wasn't any different than other nights except that this time I didn't see my beastly mother, but a frail, tired, helpless person who needed me. It broke my heart and I can't stop crying. It is a deep ache - for her, and the fragility of us all. I have been asking God to show me why I am the daughter who is here. Now I know.