Tuesday, April 28, 2009

What is it like?

What is it like to not have a mother anymore? My mother is in the hospital again, this time with a heart problem. Sitting outside tonight looking up at the stars makes me extra thoughtful. I wonder if a star disappers from the sky when someone dies? What does it feel like to be without a mother? All of a sudden my origins would be gone - since my father died many years ago. I would be on my own. The heartstring that connects us would be broken. I am the next generation to die after mother dies. My mortality is standing right in front of me. I am thankful that I still have two sisters, and two children. Perhaps I will find a companion to share the rest of my life with.

I am in a progress mode. I have a to-do list everyday, and I get things done. I have a new job. I have a new checking account. I found a place to live in Arden ( http://arden.delaware.gov/ ) that I will be moving to next month. I fixed the disengaged rear view mirror in my car. I finally feel like I can do things with joy. I will have relationships again. People around me to share life with. I am useful and able at my job. I am truly grateful for that, and everything that I have right now. Everything.

Maybe the universe is settling me in to prepare me for my mother's death. I will be grounded and able to process it.