Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I Am Legal Now

I have a valid car registration, license plates and insurance! Another step forward.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

One More Time And Then I Am Over It

Things are getting dicey for me, living among my sister's family. I have now become the second wife. I have allowed her to have too many expectations of me - helping her run her household and take care of her family. Of course I accepted all of it out of love and certainly in exchange for her giving me shelter, food, gas money . . . but now it is a tangled ball of heart strings and train wreck. I am the sole caretaker of my mother's needs as my sister doesn't want anything to do with mom unless it is on her terms. The 17 year old has complete control over the household and his parents fight constantly about him. Shouting is the major form of expression. Then there is the neglected mother-in-law who doesn't get the care and feeding she needs - she is 90. I have become her daily touchstone, part-time driver and emotional support. I am facing my demon - the one that says I should have done this life change on my own without getting tangled. As I continue to apply for museum/arts management jobs - and the interview/hiring process seems to take forever these days - I often think I should have taken a job at Dunkin Donuts and applied for assistance and food stamps so I could say I lifted myselft up by my own bootstraps. On the other hand, I am soulfully grateful that I have a sister who took me in and gave me all that I DO have. I know that family is at the heart of living a good life, but not 100%. I also wonder sometimes if I made a cosmic error in leaving my Delaware family which included astounding friends and people who love me. . . I am in one of those dark valleys but keep looking towards the light anyway. My faith is strong most of the time, so I know that change is possible. The waiting is the test . . . perhaps. The action I need to take? Getting out of the darkness . . . perhaps.

Monday, May 19, 2008

I Can't Cry and Drive At The Same Time

I got my rejection from Rhode Island School of Design today just as I was on my way out the door to the second interview at WaterFire Providence. . . The RISD job was MINE. All my life I've wanted to work at RISD. I am sad, angry, confused, faithless, and hopeless tonight. I had to stop myself from crying while driving down Route 146 with the AC on full blast so I didn't look like a strawberry when I got to the interview. I cried when I got home - until my face hurt and my stomach ached. If I had a wiffle bat and a bean bag chair, I would have gone at it hard.

For much of my life I have believed that if you worked hard, were kind to others, gave to those less fortunate, loved animals and nature, practiced good hygiene, had good manners and talked to God on a regular basis it would pay off, you know? Okay, not really. However, all criteria has now been erased. Life doesn't make sense - again. I've been working so hard to improve myself from the inside out. I look better, feel better and have worked to become aware and more conscious making each task sacred. I am grateful for everything I have every day. All bets are off now. I don't know what to believe in anymore. I don't know what to think about. I don't know what direction to go in. I'm sinking into darkness again. I feel betrayed.

That was today. Tomorrow I start over.