Friday, February 16, 2007

The Understatement of Misunderstanding

And it has begun . . . My mother called me to say that she could come pick me up on her way back from visiting my younger sister in Washington at the end of February. What's wrong with this picture??? The discussion I had with my older sister was about going up to RI to be with Mom when she gets tangled in doctor's appointments, gets sicker than she is now, or generally needs someone to manage medicines and daily life . . . my MOTHER has taken this to mean that I want to come live with her as a runaway mechanism . . . she wants to rescue me from what she perceives is my wretched life. This seems to have kicked in back in December when I was talking about the prospect of moving to Birmingham. Rather than "running away to Birmingham" I should live with her in RI.

Please note: I wouldn't choose to just go live with her. I would go live with her because I am the "available" daughter at this time, and only when she is sick enough to need me there. Otherwise, if I wasn't needed in that way, she'd be taking over my life, doing the 12 year old child thing, and generally being annoying. Then I would have to kill her.

So, it is better that my sisters understand that it's not about me. It's about Mother getting sick and needing someone there when the walls start tumbling down.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Mother Has Lung Cancer

My sister Christal called tonight to say that Mother has lung cancer. She wants me to come up to take care of her if she has the surgery to remove the primary tumor. Then there is radiation or chemo and everything that comes with it. I can only think that God has been holding off finding me a job so I'd be available to go to Rhode Island to take care of her. . . I will know more after the lymph node biopsy procedure tomorrow which will indicate how far it has spread - it seems to already be in her lymph nodes and chest wall. I knew it was coming, but I didn't know when. Of course, the first thing Bob said to me was about asking my sister for money to replace the absent income from my job . . . do you think for one moment in his miserable life he could think about someone else? It could be a good thing, for a horrible reason, that I will go away to RI.

Apply, Apply, Apply!

I sent out three resumes today: Program Assistant, Fellowships at Mid Atlantic Arts Foundation, Program Assistant at Philadelphia Academy of the Fine Arts and Director of Education at Delaware Art Museum. Sent them snail mail, for a different approach.

The Lyrics

Show Me the WaySTYX Lyrics by Dennis DeYoung
Every night I say a prayer in the hope that there's a heaven But every day I'm more confused as the saints turn into sinners All the heroes and legends I knew as a child have fallen to idols of clay and I feel this empty place inside, so afraid that I've lost my faith Show me the way, show me the way take me tonight to the river and wash my illusions away please show me the way. And as I slowly drift to sleep, for a moment dreams are sacred I close my eyes and know there's peace in a world so filled with hatred Then I wake up each morning and turn on the news to find we've so far to go And I keep on hoping for a sign, so afraid that I just won't know
Show me the way Show me the way bring me tonight to the mountain and take my confusion away and show me the way And if I see a light, should I believe tell me how will I know Show me the way, show me the way take me tonight to the river and wash my illusions away Show me the way, show me they way Give me the strength and the courage to believe that I'll get there someday And please show me the way And every day I say a prayer in the hope that there's a heaven

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Wash My Illusions Away

"Take me tonight, to the River, and wash my illusions away . . show me the way"

This is a line from a hymn that my daughter sings from time to time, and it is one of those songs that touches a spot inside me. Not only does it make me cry everytime I hear it, it reminds me that I need to get clean and clear about what I want, and what I am asking for.

Oprah did a show about "The Secret" the other day. In essence, the 10 panelists seemed to describe a way of life that was about grace, gratitude, bounty, opening up to a better life, and vibrations. I'm not sure how it all pulls together, but I'm interested. I know that there is no silver bullet, no quick fix. no bed of roses and no pill. I think that my biggest fear is that I will not see the moment I'm supposed to see, the opportunity I should be grabbing, the fortuitous crossroads . . . can that happen? Or will "it"keep presenting itself until I act on it, whatever that is.