Friday, February 08, 2008

A Floating Pile of Crap

Inside and out, I feel like crap. A big useless pile of it. My fallopian tubes ache and I need an ob/gyn exam. I have been sleeping on a futon and my back is falling out. I've been piling up the blankets like the princess and the pea. I feel like I am a pile of crap floating in nuclear sludge and I can't reach the shore because I don't have arms or legs anymore.

Each day as I do the job update for my sister, she continues to remind me that "you can't make a living in the arts and you need to keep looking at other things." She told me that a colleague's son is not doing well in high school and came to his mom's workplace today (a foot surgeon's office) to observe, and he nearly fainted. (She had to add the fainting part - for reasons soon to be revealed). She said he is involved with "The Blackstone Players" - a community theatre group, and his mom was trying to convince him that he could not make a living in the theatre. My sister said to her colleague "I've got one of those at home - my sister - who thinks she can make a living in the arts too." Haven't we been having the conversation about "translating my skills and abilities to other industries???" Who the xxxxx have I been talking to???!!

So, why the xxxxx did my sister tell me she told this to her colleague - about me? She is the reigning champion at one-upping and placing first class passively agressive slaps to the psyche. She is a raging member of the Mother Forces and now joining my mother - the woman who forged the welcome mat at the door of hell by delivering psychic slaps - who taught her to do this. Apparently they both now perceive me as a pathetic, third class loser who needs among other things to be guided, prodded and insulted back into "reality." Declaring everything I've accomplished in my past as frivolous and useless is not helpful. It only makes me want to repack the car and keep driving. Maybe I will after my face stops hurting and my eyes clear up from crying so damned hard. Today is one of a series of days in this week when I have felt profound, multi-layered regret and sadness for so many things about my life . . .
(Phone rings here)

Fran Daly from EDS just called, and I have an interview on Tuesday . . . it's a xxxxxx miracle. Maybe the universe is reading my blog too.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Why Am I Such A Misfit?

I accept the premise that things happen for a reason. I accept the theory that the right thing will come along. I accept the notion that I am right where I need to be. I accept the requirement that I must be patient. However, I am agitated and feel like a misfit toy.

Today I interviewed for the Macys position that has been frozen. I made my first insider phone contact with EDS who told me the women in charge of RI and MA are looking at my resume to find a fit according to the openings they have. "But you do have a background in the arts, so we are trying to find a fit." I told her that I was looking for an entry level position, not a glorious position. She perked up a bit. I said that I'd like the opportunity of an interview so I could discuss my skills that lay underneath my titles and job duties on my resume. She told me the RI woman in charge would be calling me soon.

Well, yes, I DO have a background in the arts. That doesn't make me stupid, flighty, insignificant, frivolous, temperamental, unreliable, spoiled, unintelligent or unskilled! People are sooooo very quick to judge and make assumptions about anything with the A R T word attached to it.

Mmmmmmm . . . maybe I SHOULD be teaching private drawing lessons to kids. . . which is what I shook off last summer as being impossible. Today, the possible looks impossible even within the rules of proper engagement and nepotism. Perhaps it is time to step outside the rules.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Monday, February 04, 2008

An E-Mail Worth Repeating


A poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on her face, walked into a grocery store. She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries. She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work, they had seven children and they needed food. The grocer, scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store at once. Visualizing the family needs, she said: "Please, sir! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can." The grocer told her he could not give her credit, since she did not have a charge account at his store. Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the conversation between the two. The customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family. The grocer said in a very reluctant voice, "Do you a have a grocery list?" Louise replied, "Yes sir." "O.K" he said, "put your grocery list on the scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will give you that amount in groceries." Louise, hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she reached into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed. The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scales went down and stayed down. The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, "I can't believe it." The customer smiled and the grocer started putting the groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would hold no more. The grocer stood there in utter disgust. Finally, he grabbed the piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with great amazement. It was not a grocery list; it was a prayer, which said: "Dear Lord, you know my needs. I am leaving this in your hands." The grocer gave her the groceries that he had gathered and stood in stunned silence. The woman thanked him and left the store. The other customer handed a fifty-dollar bill to the grocer and said, "It was worth every penny of it. Only God knows how much a prayer weighs."

THE POWER OF PRAYER: When you read this, say a prayer. That's all you have to do . Just stop right now, and say a prayer of thanks for your own good fortune.

What A Difference A Day Makes

The days off made a difference. I knew I was "out of alignment" and needed to step back and eliminate my anxiety. . . Sometimes I actually have to write myself a permission slip (in my journal) to stop the escalation and just plain stop. Stop doing everything for a moment.

So, like turning the canvas upside down to work on a problematic painting, or turning the cuff on a kaleidoscope, the whole picture looks different, and the working elements are changed. I have an interview on Wednesday for a part-time job evenings in, of all cool things, the fine jewelry department at Macys. This opportunity came along through my sister's neighbor's friend who works there. See???! It's who you know. So get out there and know people. I always wanted an engagement ring. Now I can float gaily among them and revel in their beauty - celebrating those who are buying them. Confirming for me that love is not a lost cause. I will have to practice not crying for joy in front of the customers.

AND - My other sister's husband has a huge account here and said he can get me a job - data entry - okay cool, full time with benefits - right now if I want it. Yes, I want it!!! More cool. Sent him the resume and the interview is in the works. I wondered where the hell he was 3 weeks ago when I needed a job . . . but you know what? I wouldn't have been ready. I was a mess three weeks ago and needed this time to settle in and adjust, taking the first albeit shaky stop on the road to my new life. To everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven . . . Amen.