Where Am I Now?

I know Mercury has been retrograde, and it's about to end. That explains all the little tiffs around the house and the bad word choices and the fact that I can't say what I mean without someone feeling hurt. For the past few days when I retreat to my room at the end of the day I get the big message "I just don't belong here." My heart is sad and beginning to ache. I am definitely at a crossroad and none of the road choices feel right. Each week seems to get harder instead of easier. I am often just at the edge of tears and many things pull me over that edge. Songs, tv commercials, greeting cards . . .


I have more than I need compared to others: food, clothing, shelter and a place to sleep, a hot shower, people who care about me, two dogs to bond with, a cell phone to communicate with, a laptop connected to the internet, an upcoming appointment at RI Free Clinic, a job interview at Providence Children's Museum, a possible second interview at EDS, friends to meet for coffee and talks, and more.


I don't have an income, so I'm not independent. This is a horrible feeling. I don't have a insured car anymore. I am using someone else's car. This is a horrible feeling. I don't have anyone to share life with - the heart-based, daily challenge, goals for the future or I need a hug stuff. This is a horrible feeling. Most distressing is that I just can't see beyond this. I don't see anything there. When I turn around and look back all I see is the chaos I created and the wreckage those I loved are trying to clean up.

So. . . where am I now?