Get Out of Here, 2008!

Jeeeezzz . . . Doors closed, windows opened, new paths, endings, beginnings, changes, highs, lows. The past year felt like I was in some kind of crazy fun house maze thing. Both of my part time jobs are winding down with no hours. So, let's begin again, shall we? But I have skills, right?? Fitting my square skills into round holes is the new challenge. Wait . . . way too many metaphors here. I will just say that 2009 has got to be an improved year over 2008. Farewell 2008 - Hooray for 2009!

Like The Cereal Box Says . . .

I am stronger everyday. Thanks Special K! I'm not sure that is really happening, but I will keep trying. I haven't been writing, I think, because the information about my daily life passes so quickly by me and through me that I lose it all by the time I sit down at the screen at night. It is time to start carrying a sketch pad again. It is time to start doing a lot of things again.

Christmas nearly killed me. It was devastating not to be with Ariel and Dane and Bob and the house. It was all I had known for 30 years. I think I cried every day in December. I had to change the radio station in my car from Christmas Carols - and then of course I'd change it back. I feel so brokenhearted - and I did it to myself.

I took my mother (flew, thank God) to my sister Tracy's house in Alexandria, VA for Christmas because I knew I didn't want to be here in the house of chaos. So, I hauled the oxygen and the oxygen bag of various cords, the cane and the suitcase and her winter coat and then the wheelchair at the airport. In the back of my twisted little mind I keep thinking I might earn cosmic credit for doing these things for my ailing mother. So far, I can't say my cosmic bank account is showing any gain. Anyway, it was wonderful to be at my millionaire sister's house and hang out in a fabulous kitchen and ride in a mercedes station wagon for a few days. We stayed in a hotel and the kinks that went with that are too enormous to even mention. However, I survived it.

I'm back to face myself again. Fewer hours at my day job and more work for the same pay at the fundraising job to fulfill the contract. . . I am not happy with the decisions I made and the life I ended up with. I can't seem to get myself and my desires and my surroundings into alignment. So, I will work on that. For now, I am still grateful that I am not living in my car.

My Puzzling, Fuzzy Life

Well, yes, I have a part time job as Development Coordinator for the Providence Gay Men's Chorus. It's been a crazy path to get to this moment! So far, the projects I am working on - fall donor campaign, etc. - are going well. It has taken me several weeks to work on understanding the culture of the group. This video clip is from Monday night's rehearsal for the upcoming holiday concert.

As for my life in general. . . all I can say at this moment is "What the hell?" I promise to get back to the blog everyday to do the mental sorting I should be doing. Readjusting the axis. Finding true north. You know about this. You've been there.

Later . . .

Tangled With Nothing To Report

Nothing. No job, no new prospects. No lover. No good sleep. No money for wine to bring to Brad's dinner tomorrow night. There's a low coming on . . . as high as I feel physically - losing 26 pounds and going to the gym . . . it doesn't seem to be helping me move forward. I'm tired of rejections. I'm tired of this life. I feel tangled in something I can't get out of. There is nothing to report.

The New Me

So far, this is the new me! Okay, it's a terrible picture but it seems I am the only one here who can take a mintue to take my picture. So, Wow - what a difference I do feel! With NutriSystem, 20 pounds gone. I have been exercising - Yoga-like exercises - and have strengthened muscles I didn't even know I had. Amazing. I have many days of being arthritis hip PAIN FREE. This is the best part. I don't waddle anymore, I can walk through a store and not be tired. On Friday I had my first 6,000 steps day and my underwear is falling down . . . I wear my pedometer everyday, clipping it to my bathrobe when I get up, transfering it to my sock or pocket when I dress. It is my new best friend, for the moment :-). Let me tell you, you can change the way you feel by eating smaller portions of dairy, protein, fruits and veggies each day at the right time, along with fiber. Trust me. If I can do it, YOU can do it.

Time For A Cool Change - Again

There Is Change In the Wind

I can't explain it. Something feels different. Maybe it is the turmoil in the household. Christopher (my sister's 17 year old son) dropped out of high school today officially. This is so sad. The relationships here are so complex. I try to keep my life clean and simple, but that is difficult here. It's difficult anywhere I suppose.

I don't know what I need to do next. I have spent the past 4 months in sanctuary making myself healthy and strong. Lost 20 pounds so far, have strengthened muscles I didn't know I had, and I am nearly arthritis-pain free. Now I need to find my purpose. I am ready. Time to cast the net another time for a job. I want my own life, my own space, my own purpose.