Health Insurance Hell

I WANT A REAL FULL TIME JOB WITH BENEFITS AND I WANT IT NOW! SCREW THE ISSUE OF MY NOT HAVING A DEGRE - I HAVE MORE EXPERIENCE AND SAVVY THAN 6 CHEAP-SALARY RECENT GRAD 20 SOMETHINGS AND I COULD BURN THE DELAWARE ART MUSEUM BOARD OF DIRECTORS' BUTTS IN A HEARTBEAT AS I STAND AT THE GATES OF HELL WELCOMING THEM. Do you know what it's like to be hacked from the job you've been on a path for a lifetime to acheive?? My life hasn't been the same since 2004, on many levels, and I've done an ace job at dealing with it for two years, and now I'm getting ready to live under the railroad bridge downtown Wilmington because of the DAM board's reactive decision and the work of a sewer harpie who had physical ties to the queen of all board members from hell who granted said sewer harpie's wish to get rid of everyone who was smarter than her. (Note: she and her minions are now gone from DAM - someone at the top figured out what the dripping blood from her evil mouth was about.)

I've been trying to hold off on this one, as it lives in me as a tirade full of nasty words . . . but I'm approaching the danger zone. I had health insurance at DCCA from December 1 of last year until October 8th. During this time I was able to get my arthritis diagnosis nailed down, and found a pain medication combination that could get me through each day. Love thos Ibuprofen Horse Pills. Tramadol (generic version, of course) is often for sports injuries, but it worked nicely for me. So, just when all was under control and the blood tests and xrays and bone scans were over, and I was able to walk, stand and sit with the rest of the world, I'm back on the street. No meds. I tried to get a three-month refill but that was a disaster. Thanks to Blue Cross and Walgreens not speaking to each other about what they actuall cover. Arrrggghhhh. Thank God for the kind folks at Claymonth Health Clinic. They will see me and try to fix me up. They only see people without health insurance, and try to match the meds I am on with what they have on hand. If they can't, it would be the full price option prescription, which I can't do . . . Maybe it's time to read that book When Bad Things Happen to Good People.

Second String

Applied yesterday at Village Green for a temp holiday decorating program associate staff gig. Too late. Already hired what he needs, but will put me in the pool of second string in case the first string develops a gap. There's some holiday irony for you - being in the second string of holiday lights . . . ! My bad - as it took me two weeks to decide to apply. Perhaps I was internally full of angst about possibly having to lift a 50 pound box of glass ornaments . . . anyway, onward and upward.

Looking ahead, this could be the most dismal and depressing holday season our family has ever had. I feel like the little match girl on a Dickensian corner.

The Next Step

Just about ready to take that next step away from the crossroads I've been stuck at, taking stock in the future of my career and family. I decided to go ahead and apply for 2 positions: Deputy Director of Education at the Baltimore Museum of Art, and the Executive Director at the Kalmar Nyckel Foundation. In a way, I feel like this is my last attempt to acquire another permanent full time with benefits job in the arts. This makes me sad, and my heart is aching for the way things are these days. At 48, I am aging out of the arts job market quickly. And withoug an advanced degree, I can barely compete with young graduates who know nothing but will work for a salary in the low 20s to get their foot into the field. Then there is the War. Lack of good, long term blue collar jobs, not enough money to feed and house families, women having babies for the wrong reasons . . . the fabric of society is just about torn apart. Who needs the arts any more when there is so much else to occupy daily survival? Yet, the people who do make the arts part of their lives are so much, well, nicer and smarter people. The financial barriers to making the arts part of daily life are astounding to me. The cost of a ticket to the theatre, dance lessons for kids, admission to a concert . . . it is indeed a certain segment that can afford it. I am no longer one of them, which is very sad. However, I predict a turn around coming: one of the only ways to attract a wider audience these days - make it free. Baltimore Museum of Art just made admission free after many years. The Delaware Art Museum was a more active honest place when admission was free. But unless funders fall in line with the concept of arts for as many people as possible, free doesn't seem viable. More on funding another time.

In the meantime, I am applying for a seasonal temporary position with a holiday decorating company. It will probably pay $8 an hour, but we need the money to prevent crash and burn. I can't help but keep coming back to the fact that being hacked from the staff at the Delaware Art Museum in 2004 is the cause of my feeling paralyzed and worthless. It changed my life drastically, at all levels. God, life can be ugly. Maybe all the sparkling lights will help me rise above the sadness.

A Wish

I wish I was a millionaire so I could make sizeable contributions to arts organizations' general operating funds. There is so much need. CCAC's building is a good example. It is such an active place, and so used. It is obvious they don't have funding to keep it up: painted, cleaned, etc. The arts environment is so important. Along with this is the quality of materials used in education programs. It is so sad to see an arts organization not be able to use color in their materials, or to have to scrimp on something that is core to what you do. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I do suspect I will not be reimbursed for the color copies I made for my teacher training last week. I will submit my receipts and ask for half reimbursement, and see what happens. We meet tomorrow to do the debriefing of the two-day training, and plan for the next one in November. Hope to hear about some mentoring dates too.

Whoa

I'm taking it all back about the learning curve on the CCAC project. I have truckloads to learn before I can effectively communicate with these preschool teachers. I haven't yet discovered what is at the core of what they do, in their heart, or their head. So far, their love for kids or passion for teaching hasn't shined through. That's what I thought I'd see, along with their desire to discover. Haven't seen that either. There are qualities in them that I'm not seeing yet. I need to find a different way to look and listen. I asked to be schedule to do some classroom oberservation before the training which happened yesterday and today, but that didn't happen. I am totally surprised at how structured they are. I understand that their classroom time must be structured, but I assumed they would be able to look outside those boundaries. There is fear of losing control that I certainly understand, but infusing creativity into structure is going to be a challenge.

There are some differences in my work style and the structure of the project that I also need to talk about and work through. Monday at 3:00 is our debriefing meeting about the training and the project so far. I will work on putting my thoughts in order this weekend.

Recovering!

I haven't blogged in 9 days . . . Can't sleep tonight. I've been recovering from no longer being at DCCA, and missing the work and the people very much. Yes, change is hard. On the other hand, I experienced one of the first mornings that I didn't have to be anywhere. I slept late. In fact, I got up at 11am and went back down for a nap at 2pm. Got up for dinner and went back to bed. Apparently, sleep was part of my recovery. Lots of weird dreams during those sleeps, but that's another blog altogether. . . Terrific material for some short stories!

Working lots on my lesson plans and preparing for the Teacher Training on Thursday at Christina Cultural Arts Center. As a teaching artist (for the first time in my life, hired as such!) I'm feeling huge pressure, even though I know the material. The kink is taking it down to a preschool level. Ariel surprised me on Monday with a book about the art development of preschoolers! Coupled with the Creative Curriculum materials that CCAC uses, I think I'm now on track. I have way too many handouts, and haven't yet created the CD for my presentation. Down to serious work later today.

Moving On . . .

This was my last day at DCCA . . . They had a breakfast farewell gathering for me with cards, kind and generous words from Maxine and applause too. I was teary. It will be hard to imagine not being there everyday with my mates. I hope with all my passion that I left the DCCA a better place . . . there was so much to be done, and so many dedicated people trying to the work of a staff double the size. It was interesting at first, back in July 2005, when I arrived there with my DAM experience - which looked to some as "a new level of professionalism" and to others as "art snob." Assimilated into the collective rather quickly and found the passion for the place contagious. I thought it would be a quick stop between other jobs, doing develpoment research for a few months. Change works mysteriously though, doesn't it? Interim Development Director was a fabulous challenge, but I know it is not where my heart is. And I knew I was not what the board needed. Pat Leach, the new Development Director, will be fine. She's on track under Maxine's visionary guidance. I am sorry to leave the tutelage of Maxine. However, I think we may work together again in the future.

For now, there is a partnership brewing with DCCA and CCAC and the Alison Saar exhibition coming in the spring. There is potential for me there, teaching or facilitating or something . . . We shall see . . . Tomorrow, I rearrange my home office to being work on pre-school lesson plans!