Acceptance

"Accept the is-ness of the present moment."

"Now is the foundation for the rest of your life."

"The present momet is the point of power."

Still reading A New Earth. I think I crossed some kind of transitional bridge yesterday towards acceptance. Learning how to separate that voice in my head - my ego - from the "I" - the essence of me - has been so helpful in dealing with my sadness and unhappiness. I just couldn't seem to resolve the fact that I did what I wanted and it didn't make me happy. I didn't get what I thought I deserved. Big wrong. Expectations for the future. Also a big wrong. If all I live on is what I hope will happen and ignore the present, it can't possibly happen if I don't participte. Hopes, dreams, wishes - all not relevant to the here and now unless one of those dreams is what launches me further towards who I really am inside. Always living "ahead" is a big wrong. Today is the only thing I can change, and be in, and take responsibility for. Sounds like psycho babble, I'm sure. It is hard to explain.

"Accept what is, then action will come."

A New Something

Still thinking about Nemo. Thinking about him playing at the Rainbow Bridge. I received so many nice notes from people with their condolences. Thank you friends!

I interviewed today at a day care center for an assistant position in the infant room. This is different for me. Way different than the jobs in the arts I kept believing I deserved. Have been thinking alot about separating the I from the ego, and yes I am reading A New Earth. This can only be good for me. I have been angry, depressed, sad, crashing and feeling like I should just try to end the madness. Well, they say you have to get to the edge, or just over it, before you can make change. So, here I go. Not over the edge, but towards something different. I don't feel as much like I am running around in the dark hoping to make a right decision. Today. Trying to stay present.

Now Is The Time For All Good Things . . .

Sixty-four degrees here today. Last night I smelled a brief but powerful scent of Spring in the air. All indicators point to improvement and light. The overall message seems to be "Let Go."

The big questions to ask, according to "The New Earth" is : "What does life want from me? How do I fit into the whole? What is my purpose?" So - okay. Send me some answers that I will recognize as the right thing to do~~!

Get A Freakin Job

No moon, no stars, no rainbows, no yellow brick roads, no wishes, no fortunes, no lucky numbers, no messages from the planet, no hopes, no dreams, no triple red sevens, no desires, no discoveries, no powerball, no connections, no trip to Disney World and no flying pigs either. It is time to get a freakin job.

How Many Times Can One Heart Break?

Ariel just called me to tell me that Nemo died today. He was my soul mate dog. He was almost 14 years old and I knew his time would come this year. That is why I brought him to Rhode Island with me. But that was a decision for me, not for him. It didn't work out well for him. When I brought him home to Delaware, I told him I'd always be with him. Cried and cried, hugged and hugged. I knew he would be happier there and that is where he belonged. He had people and cats there that loved him as much as I did. He loved standing in the cold wind. He loved the snow and nuzzled in it and rolled around and leaped like a dolphin when it was deep. He loved playing with the ferrets. He loved eating cat food. He loved Christmas day and was there laying down in the midde of everything, waiting to open his presents too. He loved going to PetSmart to look around and pick out treats and toys and meet other dogs. He really didn't like other dogs. He was an only dog. He thought he was a lap dog even though he weighed 53 pounds. He loved to scrunch in the middle of people sitting on the couch. He loved riding in the car with his head out the window and the wind in his face. He was cuddly like a small bear. He often slept on the bed with me, with his head on the pillow. I will miss hugging him. He will always be in that place in my heart along with others that I love and miss. I am happy that all dogs go to heaven but I am sad and feeling broken hearted.

Obama Phone Calls Tomorrow and Sunday!

As part of my new get up and get out strategy of relocating to RI, I am making phone calls tomorrow and Sunday morning at the local Obama Headquarters! I missed the deadline to vote in the primary here on Tuesday, so I can make an impact by making calls. Not willing to do the door to door canvassing thing - leave that for the 20 somethings. Rhode Island counts!!!! I am certain I will meet some interesting people, and perhaps create a new network for my job hunt. Cool. I will report in tomorrow night :-).

Crashing

This is not a good time for me. I am feeling so faithless, hopeless and caught in a life crash. I know it is a reflection of the greater difficulties in the world that I can't find a decent job, but I also know that I made the choice to be where I am. A bad combination of bad decisions and bad times. I see nothing ahead of me, and I can't stay here. As my sister said "If you don't belong here, then where DO you belong?" Well, I'm not certain of anything except that I just want this life to be over. My inward search for the right thing to do has only resulted in bad choices. Listening to my intuition has caused damage for my Delaware family and my Rhode Island family. Listening to my head has gotten me nowhere. Listening to my heart just makes me sad for everything I left behind. I can't help but think that the decision I made a year ago to quit my job to take care of my mother was a bad one that started this chain of events. Why did I think that doing something good for someone at the expense of others would encourage more good to come my way? Was it an ego thing instead of a heart thing? I guess good doesn't happen in the world if you haven't earned it in the right way. I guess I haven't earned anything but heartache and hopelessness. I am wreckage from the crash.