My Puzzling, Fuzzy Life

Well, yes, I have a part time job as Development Coordinator for the Providence Gay Men's Chorus. It's been a crazy path to get to this moment! So far, the projects I am working on - fall donor campaign, etc. - are going well. It has taken me several weeks to work on understanding the culture of the group. This video clip is from Monday night's rehearsal for the upcoming holiday concert.

As for my life in general. . . all I can say at this moment is "What the hell?" I promise to get back to the blog everyday to do the mental sorting I should be doing. Readjusting the axis. Finding true north. You know about this. You've been there.

Later . . .

Tangled With Nothing To Report

Nothing. No job, no new prospects. No lover. No good sleep. No money for wine to bring to Brad's dinner tomorrow night. There's a low coming on . . . as high as I feel physically - losing 26 pounds and going to the gym . . . it doesn't seem to be helping me move forward. I'm tired of rejections. I'm tired of this life. I feel tangled in something I can't get out of. There is nothing to report.

The New Me

So far, this is the new me! Okay, it's a terrible picture but it seems I am the only one here who can take a mintue to take my picture. So, Wow - what a difference I do feel! With NutriSystem, 20 pounds gone. I have been exercising - Yoga-like exercises - and have strengthened muscles I didn't even know I had. Amazing. I have many days of being arthritis hip PAIN FREE. This is the best part. I don't waddle anymore, I can walk through a store and not be tired. On Friday I had my first 6,000 steps day and my underwear is falling down . . . I wear my pedometer everyday, clipping it to my bathrobe when I get up, transfering it to my sock or pocket when I dress. It is my new best friend, for the moment :-). Let me tell you, you can change the way you feel by eating smaller portions of dairy, protein, fruits and veggies each day at the right time, along with fiber. Trust me. If I can do it, YOU can do it.

Time For A Cool Change - Again

There Is Change In the Wind

I can't explain it. Something feels different. Maybe it is the turmoil in the household. Christopher (my sister's 17 year old son) dropped out of high school today officially. This is so sad. The relationships here are so complex. I try to keep my life clean and simple, but that is difficult here. It's difficult anywhere I suppose.

I don't know what I need to do next. I have spent the past 4 months in sanctuary making myself healthy and strong. Lost 20 pounds so far, have strengthened muscles I didn't know I had, and I am nearly arthritis-pain free. Now I need to find my purpose. I am ready. Time to cast the net another time for a job. I want my own life, my own space, my own purpose.

I Am Legal Now

I have a valid car registration, license plates and insurance! Another step forward.

One More Time And Then I Am Over It

Things are getting dicey for me, living among my sister's family. I have now become the second wife. I have allowed her to have too many expectations of me - helping her run her household and take care of her family. Of course I accepted all of it out of love and certainly in exchange for her giving me shelter, food, gas money . . . but now it is a tangled ball of heart strings and train wreck. I am the sole caretaker of my mother's needs as my sister doesn't want anything to do with mom unless it is on her terms. The 17 year old has complete control over the household and his parents fight constantly about him. Shouting is the major form of expression. Then there is the neglected mother-in-law who doesn't get the care and feeding she needs - she is 90. I have become her daily touchstone, part-time driver and emotional support. I am facing my demon - the one that says I should have done this life change on my own without getting tangled. As I continue to apply for museum/arts management jobs - and the interview/hiring process seems to take forever these days - I often think I should have taken a job at Dunkin Donuts and applied for assistance and food stamps so I could say I lifted myselft up by my own bootstraps. On the other hand, I am soulfully grateful that I have a sister who took me in and gave me all that I DO have. I know that family is at the heart of living a good life, but not 100%. I also wonder sometimes if I made a cosmic error in leaving my Delaware family which included astounding friends and people who love me. . . I am in one of those dark valleys but keep looking towards the light anyway. My faith is strong most of the time, so I know that change is possible. The waiting is the test . . . perhaps. The action I need to take? Getting out of the darkness . . . perhaps.