I Will Not Panic and I Don't Need a Cupcake

So done with the PGMC gig. Mutually beneficial and a relief from being inside a culture I don't fit in, with no tools to get it done. Time for me to raise personal money, anyway!! Alas, also no more hours at the UPS Store except a few design hours here and there. Back to the center of the circle . . . I imagine my toe at the tip of that yellow brick that begins the journey on the yellow brick road. But wait, that leads to "there's no place like home." I'll have to think more about that . . . a lot more.

Here It Comes . . . The List

The list of shit that is happening today: My hours have been cut from the UPS Store. I heard the rumor that I will not be asked back in February to the contract fundraising job with the Providence Gay Men's Chorus (will resign before I am fired, damn it), BOTH Helen's wrists are broken, I do not have enough money in my bank account to cover the creditors automatic payments I've done so well with for the past 4 months, I melted my new glasses with nail polish remover trying to remove the rest of the color after I accidently sat a cotton ball full of nail polish remover next to them, my sister gave my hair a makeover that turned out to be a terrible reddish brown - with the new glasses (that WERE black) I looked like Velma from Scooby Doo. . . All of this is actually kind of funny when I read it. . . Maybe if I clean my room the universe will get back in order again?

Geriartric Medical Events

Today, instead of going to work I had to take my mom for her every-6-months CT Scan. If I have to insist one more time that she actually USE the oxygen while she's walking, I will cry. She has a capital M for Martyr on the front of every outfit, and I am tired of it. She makes life harder by trying to conserve her oxygen, by not having her phone with her, by giving orders instead of asking . . . and a lot of other things no where near the realm of being caring or a nice person. I believe it is not only part of her, but part of getting old too. Mistaken thinking. . . I took her to the test because Helen (my sister's mother-in-law) fell today while unhooking Bailey's leash on the icy patio. No broken bones, just sprained wrists, it seems. A series of unfortunate events happens here A LOT. Christal was going to take mom to her medical event, but stayed home to nurse Helen - since she is actually a nurse, and I am not. I feel terrible, but I am at the point of seeking the boundaries: When is enough, enough? When is old, old? When is it time to call it quits if you want to, and why isn't there an accessible, legal way to do this? When your life is totally filled with Doctor's appointments and medical events, what is the point? Just a reminder: if and when I get to that point ( No -- before! ) I will climb a small mountain and tie myself to a tree.

I apologize for continuing to express my concern for my karmic bank account but I need to move on at some point! When? Am I just waiting to save the money, or is it more about the people now?? And what is the definition of Peace anyway??

Celebrating The Storm

It's New Year's Eve and the snow is piling up - ten inches and still falling. I took the time to get to the market yesterday to pick up my "I eat this once a year" food before I head back to the gym and salads next week. Easy Cheese, Triscuits and Wheat Thins with a side of Captain Morgan and Coke . . . it's my party! Life should be as easy as spray cheese . . . I will watch Rachel Maddow and groove on the possibilities of the new year ahead. Here's wishing you a serene closing to 2008. Wake up tomorrow in 2009 with a new glow of hope for things to come!

Cheers!

Get Out of Here, 2008!

Jeeeezzz . . . Doors closed, windows opened, new paths, endings, beginnings, changes, highs, lows. The past year felt like I was in some kind of crazy fun house maze thing. Both of my part time jobs are winding down with no hours. So, let's begin again, shall we? But I have skills, right?? Fitting my square skills into round holes is the new challenge. Wait . . . way too many metaphors here. I will just say that 2009 has got to be an improved year over 2008. Farewell 2008 - Hooray for 2009!

Like The Cereal Box Says . . .

I am stronger everyday. Thanks Special K! I'm not sure that is really happening, but I will keep trying. I haven't been writing, I think, because the information about my daily life passes so quickly by me and through me that I lose it all by the time I sit down at the screen at night. It is time to start carrying a sketch pad again. It is time to start doing a lot of things again.

Christmas nearly killed me. It was devastating not to be with Ariel and Dane and Bob and the house. It was all I had known for 30 years. I think I cried every day in December. I had to change the radio station in my car from Christmas Carols - and then of course I'd change it back. I feel so brokenhearted - and I did it to myself.

I took my mother (flew, thank God) to my sister Tracy's house in Alexandria, VA for Christmas because I knew I didn't want to be here in the house of chaos. So, I hauled the oxygen and the oxygen bag of various cords, the cane and the suitcase and her winter coat and then the wheelchair at the airport. In the back of my twisted little mind I keep thinking I might earn cosmic credit for doing these things for my ailing mother. So far, I can't say my cosmic bank account is showing any gain. Anyway, it was wonderful to be at my millionaire sister's house and hang out in a fabulous kitchen and ride in a mercedes station wagon for a few days. We stayed in a hotel and the kinks that went with that are too enormous to even mention. However, I survived it.

I'm back to face myself again. Fewer hours at my day job and more work for the same pay at the fundraising job to fulfill the contract. . . I am not happy with the decisions I made and the life I ended up with. I can't seem to get myself and my desires and my surroundings into alignment. So, I will work on that. For now, I am still grateful that I am not living in my car.

My Puzzling, Fuzzy Life

Well, yes, I have a part time job as Development Coordinator for the Providence Gay Men's Chorus. It's been a crazy path to get to this moment! So far, the projects I am working on - fall donor campaign, etc. - are going well. It has taken me several weeks to work on understanding the culture of the group. This video clip is from Monday night's rehearsal for the upcoming holiday concert.

As for my life in general. . . all I can say at this moment is "What the hell?" I promise to get back to the blog everyday to do the mental sorting I should be doing. Readjusting the axis. Finding true north. You know about this. You've been there.

Later . . .