Crazy Dilemma # 2,357

Should I rev up my job search and risk losing food stamps ($200 a month) and medicaid (everything is 100% covered) and my tiny unemployment check so I can earn actual cash and help the household survive? If I get a job, I get cash flow, but I also risk not getting medical benefits at all. What a crazy world this is where it's actually more beneficial in many ways to be unemployed. . . Would someone please fix this? God, give me double wisdom, please.The right answer is, find a job - and fast. After all, I have been negligent in paying my share - the rent I agreed to pay when I moved back here. It's not fair to Bob and Dane. So, here I go. God, please give me double the amount of wisdom you usually give out at times like these.

Mentally Homeless

Not really. In searching domain names for a potential website, I started typing random words. I discovered that Homelessmentally.com is available. . . .now, that has possibilities, doesn't it? What I am actually working on is a website where I can sell my art. But, I won't do anything until I talk to my friend Jim, who offered to guide me through the process. Maybe I don't really need one. Maybe I should just go to Etsy.com and do it there. That's what Valerie suggested. Two years ago. Did I do it yet?? Ummmm, no. What am I waiting for? This opens up the conversation about fear of success. Inability to produce. That's what happened with the little business Christal and I set up = The Bag Ladies. We did shopping bags made from recycled T-shirts and they were awesome. We sold a ton of them at the few art fests we did. What did I do about this? I freaked out internally because I couldn't imagine myself cutting and decorating T-shirt bags for the rest of my life if we were successful. Christal mentioned to me on the phone today how sad she was that we let it go. This was almost two years ago and we were ahead of the curve. Recycled shopping bags were just becoming a thing. God, I hate myself sometimes.

I Miss Nemo

It's hard to believe it has been three years since Nemo left us peacefully in his sleep. Maybe it is only two. I really miss having a dog in the house. The unconditional love and loyalty. The hug-ability. I am thinking about getting another dog, perhaps a little one that would be easy to snuggle with. Thinking about affording it. My goodness it astounds me how much money is a tool for living everyday life.

Time has taken on a weirdness to it recently. Having been inside the house for most of the time between December 7th and now, my connections with the outside world, people, places and time have faded. It scares me, and makes me think that I need to get up, out and moving towards something soon. Anything!

I will have to think about this, however, since I have just qualified for medicaid, food stamps and unemployment. This doesn't seem like much of an accomplishment until you take a measurement of the red tape it took to qualify. It makes me lean towards understanding why people want to stay in the system, and not look for a minimum wage job that would disqualify you from holding on to these benefits. Yikes. Listen to me. Yikes.

I Need a Financial Miracle

I know God doesn't deal in used cars, new shoes that are the right size, plumbing, employment or bottomless coffee jars. And I know he isn't a bank. However, I need just one moment indicating financial recovery. My tax refund doesn't count. I shouldn't apologize for this, but I do believe in miracles.

What Now What Now What Now

So, do I need a permit to sell stuff on the streets of Wilmington? I have too many paintings hanging around, and would love to sell them off for about $25 each. I don't have enough pencils to sell, believe it or not. I can't afford a website domain or the cost of online credit card processing to sell paintings, and I doubt very much if that could be successful these days. Some kind of catchy name that says Art for $25 --- ??? I suppose I could do paypal when I finally get a domain. Money Stinks. I have spent so many years trying to make friends with it. I don't have a job, I haven't yet been approved for unemployment, job prospects are so weird. I'm not a nurse or a truck driver, so it is looking like a long, hard run. I am still so very angry at the Inn at Wilmington for terminating me for having hip surgery. I just don't understand how cruel people can be. I probably never will understand that. The good news is that my hip is recovering nicely and I am almost walking without a cane. Onward and upward.

Bye Mom

My mother passed away yesterday 12/20/09 at 7pm at Christal's home in Cumberland, RI. She declined very quickly and my sister knew the end was coming. Hospice was there with her every step of the way. My other sister, Tracy, and I were there by phone on and off during these past few days. Christal and her family were with her at the end. Thank God. It was exactly what mom wanted. She will be cremated and divided between the three of us. I spent some time today looking at urns. I am planning to go up to RI for the memorial mass at St. Ambose in mid to late January.

This past week Bob, Ariel, Dane and Jackie (family friend) have been working on a song for my mom - an ancient Welsh lullaby. Rather than mail it on a CD as originally planned, I emailed it to my sister to play for mom off her laptop. It is all a part of this past spiritual, snowy, sad, beautiful weekend . . .

http://turtleandfrog.com/lamplighters/ATTN1.MP3

Gross Picture / Stupid Award / Hip Replacement Recovery

Okay, I have to confess that on Tuesday I did the most stupid thing a human can do with dry ice. It came in a cooler in a Christmas present of fabulous food for Christmas dinner. I have been requiring huge amounts of ice for the ice packs on my hip, so using the dry ice seemed like a good idea, wrapped well. Well . . . We thought it was wrapped well. Several minutes after the pack was on my thigh, the numbness seemed to be greater than normal ice numbness. When I removed the pack I had a patch of frostbite with the skin so hard you could knock on it like wood. All the feeling was gone, and my skin was as white as snow. Bob ran back and forth from the bathroom with warm towels and the white skin warmed up in about 10 minutes. I was left with an oval of very red skin that was numb, but felt like cactus needles around the edges. Big ouchies.

Within an hour my skin was starting to blister. I called the nurse on call and she told me to call the Dr. in the morning if there were any changes. And there were changes. The small blisters were now one BIG blister. I got an appointment for Thursday afternoon. By then it was the size of a baseball. Disgusting, freaky and filled with yellow who knows what. He said to just let it be, and that it would begin to leak on its own. A natural part of the healing process. . . Gross. Nasty. Something from a horror movie!!!

So, Friday night I took a picture of it. Today, it has begun to leak. Thank God for industrail medical bandaging. I will change the dressing later tonight after I summon up the courage to look at it again. I feel better because the pressure has subsided and my leg doesn't feel as tight as it did. It certainly as been a hurdle in my recovery.

So, yes, I have received the award for the stupidest thing to do during hip replacement recovery. Stay tuned.