What is it like?

What is it like to not have a mother anymore? My mother is in the hospital again, this time with a heart problem. Sitting outside tonight looking up at the stars makes me extra thoughtful. I wonder if a star disappers from the sky when someone dies? What does it feel like to be without a mother? All of a sudden my origins would be gone - since my father died many years ago. I would be on my own. The heartstring that connects us would be broken. I am the next generation to die after mother dies. My mortality is standing right in front of me. I am thankful that I still have two sisters, and two children. Perhaps I will find a companion to share the rest of my life with.

I am in a progress mode. I have a to-do list everyday, and I get things done. I have a new job. I have a new checking account. I found a place to live in Arden ( http://arden.delaware.gov/ ) that I will be moving to next month. I fixed the disengaged rear view mirror in my car. I finally feel like I can do things with joy. I will have relationships again. People around me to share life with. I am useful and able at my job. I am truly grateful for that, and everything that I have right now. Everything.

Maybe the universe is settling me in to prepare me for my mother's death. I will be grounded and able to process it.

Today - The Possibilities!

I have a job. A real job. Not a non-profit job. It took me a long, long time to think about a change of career from arts administration to something. I have applied for hundreds of jobs over the past two years, and nothing. Networking, job fairs and all the things one is supposed to do resulted in nothing. I came back to Delaware to be near my kids. Family, love, important things in life. Then, an opening occured at the hotel that my son works at. . . I did the online application and got an interview in just a few days. Several days after that, I was offered the job. The key was in my own backyard.

Outside this morning with my coffee, for a few moments, I had a feeling I used to get as a kid . . . early morning, spring, Saturday, stepping out the back door with all the world in front of me to explore. Play clothes, clean white socks, new Red Ball Jets on my feet . . . no fear, just innocent wonder. Crisp cool air, blue sky, wispy clouds, birds everywhere, fifty cents in my pocket for the ice cream man later in the day. Off to find friends playing in my neighborhood. An extraordinary feeling of energy, protection, goodness, love and possibilities.

All I can say is "Thank you."

Landed Again

Have been back in Delaware for 10 days, and it seems like only a few. I have landed at my friend Valerie's home - she is an angel on earth. I've discovered several since I've been here. . .

Between applying for jobs, I have been reconnecting with my kids. This is the biggest joy I've felt in a long time, and my heart feels like it can love again. It's been a long and winding road over the past two years, and I have to believe my time to settle in and have a life has come. I have simplified my belongings once again and ready for all the good things to flow. I will know in a few days about a promising job. Not a lot of money, and not very challenging, but a steady paycheck and incentive for benefits if all goes well. I think the hospitality industry might be a great career move for me. We'll see.

I stopped to get coffee and a bagel yesterday morning and the person in front of me paid for my breakfast! The person in front of him paid for his. He was paying it forward. . . I looked behind me and this woman had a mountain of grocery type stuff. I felt sad for a moment that I couldn't pay for hers. However, I stopped to thank the universe for this unexpected gift! I felt worthy of something wonderful.

Countdown to Vegas!

In 48 hours I will be on the plane to Vegas! Just being in a warm place is very exciting for me. I am so tired of winter and cold. I wish I had a bunch of money to take with me, but such are the times we are in . . . no matter . . . there's tons of stuff to look at and take photos of and listen to and smell and touch (things, not other people) that I am certain I will end each day with sensory overload. Cool. I am ready. I am packed. Salon on Thursday for an Emergency Hair Repair (the blonde is too brassy in certain spots, and some of my roots are still showing, and it needs cutting) and I am good to go. Yay, Las Vegas.

I've Been Upgraded

I am now officially blonde.

I Am Shrinking!

When I can't reach things, I am reminded that I am short. I am getting shorter -- shrinking! I used to be 4' 10". Now I am 4" 9". This is weird, but normal, but also not helpful.

When I was a kid, I always dreamed about having a house that was proportionately built for me - small, with little counters and cabinets and stairs and all the things in it were proportionately small too - the dishes, the flower vases, the rugs . . . everything. I suspect it was from going to places like Storyland where the Gingerbread House or the Three Bears House was small and I fit so nicely. I still dream about having that little house. Well, anyway. I am shrinking.

I Miss My Dad

As part of my leaving, I decided to venture out today and visit my dad's gravesite at Riverside Cemetery. Since the gates are kept closed, I had called to make an appointment. I stopped at the caretaker's (Polly) house to pick up the map, and we ended up talking for an hour. She was wonderful. Fourth generation in the cemetery business, and in this incredible victorian house with amazing antiques.

She told me that there was still a $100 balance due - his gravesite was not yet paid for. I felt sick. And embarrased. I wrote her a check immediately and thanked her for not charging 37 years worth of interest. . . . There is also no gravestone. She gave me the application for the Veteran's Administration so I could have a marker made free-of-charge. The $100 fee to set it in place isn't due until the marker arrives at her office. It can take a year to get it.

So, I made my way through the tiny winding roads. Stopped to take some photos of a beautiful larger-than-life angel on someone's gravestone, and finally found the location of my dad. I knew there was no stone or marker, but Polly did tell me there was a boulder marking the site where he is, plus two others next to him that have been reserved, and she gave me the names on the boulders on either side of him on the map. It is a beautiful location on the top of a hill overlooking the Blackstone River. I remember that we rode in a huge black limo. It was a military funeral. Taps was played, the flag was folded (which my mother doesn't seem to have) and there were gun shots. I hadn't been back to his grave in 37 years because I couldn't find it and I was never in town long enough to connect with the cemetery folks.

So, how on earth could my mother in good conscience all these years leave that bill unpaid??? I am certain there is no good answer to that question. We (my sisters and I) understood that she was a grieving single mom and probably couldn't afford the gravestone. It never occured to us that we could have had it made. I guess we though it was something sacred she should do out of respect for him. That always made me sad. And today, finding out that his grave wasn't paid for in full makes me even sadder. But I paid it and I feel extraordinary about that. I love it when the pathway is so clear to "do the right thing." Anyway, it's done. Another check box on my "things to take care of in life" list filled in.

P.S. I wanted to bring something to put on his grave. I couldn't buy anything, so I left my Superman standing up in a little hole in the ice. My dad was superman to me, so this is fitting.