One More Time And Then I Am Over It

Things are getting dicey for me, living among my sister's family. I have now become the second wife. I have allowed her to have too many expectations of me - helping her run her household and take care of her family. Of course I accepted all of it out of love and certainly in exchange for her giving me shelter, food, gas money . . . but now it is a tangled ball of heart strings and train wreck. I am the sole caretaker of my mother's needs as my sister doesn't want anything to do with mom unless it is on her terms. The 17 year old has complete control over the household and his parents fight constantly about him. Shouting is the major form of expression. Then there is the neglected mother-in-law who doesn't get the care and feeding she needs - she is 90. I have become her daily touchstone, part-time driver and emotional support. I am facing my demon - the one that says I should have done this life change on my own without getting tangled. As I continue to apply for museum/arts management jobs - and the interview/hiring process seems to take forever these days - I often think I should have taken a job at Dunkin Donuts and applied for assistance and food stamps so I could say I lifted myselft up by my own bootstraps. On the other hand, I am soulfully grateful that I have a sister who took me in and gave me all that I DO have. I know that family is at the heart of living a good life, but not 100%. I also wonder sometimes if I made a cosmic error in leaving my Delaware family which included astounding friends and people who love me. . . I am in one of those dark valleys but keep looking towards the light anyway. My faith is strong most of the time, so I know that change is possible. The waiting is the test . . . perhaps. The action I need to take? Getting out of the darkness . . . perhaps.

I Can't Cry and Drive At The Same Time

I got my rejection from Rhode Island School of Design today just as I was on my way out the door to the second interview at WaterFire Providence. . . The RISD job was MINE. All my life I've wanted to work at RISD. I am sad, angry, confused, faithless, and hopeless tonight. I had to stop myself from crying while driving down Route 146 with the AC on full blast so I didn't look like a strawberry when I got to the interview. I cried when I got home - until my face hurt and my stomach ached. If I had a wiffle bat and a bean bag chair, I would have gone at it hard.

For much of my life I have believed that if you worked hard, were kind to others, gave to those less fortunate, loved animals and nature, practiced good hygiene, had good manners and talked to God on a regular basis it would pay off, you know? Okay, not really. However, all criteria has now been erased. Life doesn't make sense - again. I've been working so hard to improve myself from the inside out. I look better, feel better and have worked to become aware and more conscious making each task sacred. I am grateful for everything I have every day. All bets are off now. I don't know what to believe in anymore. I don't know what to think about. I don't know what direction to go in. I'm sinking into darkness again. I feel betrayed.

That was today. Tomorrow I start over.

Ariel Comes To Visit For Mothers Day Weekend

I am actually kind of nervous about this. Dane is not coming because he has to work. Additionally, Ariel did tell me that Dane took the divorce and my leaving very hard . . .

Obama-Rama

I don't ususally write about politics, but I have to say that I am so proud of Obama and his campaign people for sitting quietly yesterday and just watching. I feel sorry for Hillary because she has made such a public fool of herself, talking like a high school cheerleader in a patriotic beauty pageant. She is dragging so much baggage with her from her husband's years as President. McCain just doesn't have enough synapses left and he has no public personna. Anyway, I am looking forward to change -- as so many of us are. I don't need to go back to the way things were in ther 1950s, but things did seem to be working alot better for everyone, and the country back then. We do know how to learn from history, don't we? God, I need a job so bad . . . and Obama is woking for and understanding people like me, and you! Plus, he has such a wonderful, smart wife who will make a glorious first lady!

I Have a Ten Pound Bear

Nutrisystem sent me a 10 pound celebration bear with my food this month. Hooray! As of today, 14 pounds gone. Wow. Focus on me still in progress. Not a word from RISD this week after my interview last week - but I did call Ms. Chronley on Friday and left a message. The waiting is very difficult. When I feel aggitated, I go for a walk. I guess I could serve Dunkin' Donuts coffee through a window as well as anyone else, but I don't want to!

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

I am waiting to hear something - anything - from the folks at Rhode Island School of Design. My interview was Tuesday April 22. The waiting is killing me. So many jobs applied for - often you just hear NOTHING. Not even a postcard stating receipt of the resume. I've interviewed for several jobs and never even got a rejection. I think that is so wrong. I can understand not wanting to spend time responding to 300 applicants. However, when you are one of 5 or 6, I think a rejection letter is the right thing to do. LIKE I NEED TO COLLECT MORE REJECTION DOCUMENTS. . . I am going to call tomorrow to see what's going on. Anyway, I am grateful for what I have. A place to live, food to eat, people to care about, clothes to inherit, a dog to walk.

Wow.

I am on a rocket ship to mind/body/spirit rebuilding today!! I interviewed for a Painting Department Assistant position (also known as Command Central!) at Rhode Island School of Design this morning. Even if I am not offered the job it was a life dream come true for me. Since 4th grade, when I used to ride my bike to RISD Museum on Saturdays, say hello to the guards and just walk around and around in the galleries, I've wanted to work there. Outside Delaware my resume doesn't carry the "baggage" that nasty Delaware people attributed to me. Here, my resume glows. Wow. I am valuable. What I have done in the past is valuable. They were actually worried that I was over qualified and that I would not be challenged enough. Wow. No problem there. 150 undergrads bouncing through the office would be a fabulous challenge among all the other things that need getting done everyday. I felt like I really clicked with those who interviewed me, though they did much of the talking. They did ask me about my teaching experience, my diversity task force experience and my office skills and event management skills. Wow. I got a tour of some of the undergraduate studios, then the department's gallery spaces and offices. There is a window in my potential office! Hooray! I am so grateful. Now it's time for waiting and trusting the universe to do what is right for me and where I am in my rebuilding process. Wow.