Missing Companionship

This picture makes me think about how much I miss male companionship. (And cats!) For all the things I was pissed off about, there is an equal list of things that I love about men and miss in my life. So much of the toxic activity that took place between Bob and I stood as a barrier between us. We both knew there was a deeper "forever" love there, but I couldn't seem to get back to that place. I don't know about him. He hasn't talked to me or emailed or written since I left. All of our necessary correspondence has been with Ariel or Dane as a go-between. I am adjusting to this new life slowly, which is good. It is not a life fix by any means. It is a sanctuary where I can be - to rebuild myself. To date I have lost 10.5 pounds on Nutrisystem, started an exercise program, got my haircut in a more feminine style, and have 2 job interviews coming up!




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An Update

Here's the update: I am still waiting for the third interview with WaterFire Providence. I am still living with my sister, (my mom's condo was sold) which is an emotionally toxic environment, but I have worked very hard to build relationships with everyone without the toxic spears getting through my "focus on self" forcefield . . . All the Eckhart Tolle reading I've been doing has done wonders for my ability to quiet all the negative chatter that was in my head all the time and understand that my identification with constant thoughts is so wrong. Ego thoughts can make me do crazy things. My friend Valerie has gifted me Nutrisystem and I have lost 5 pounds in the first week. I feel so much healthier already - though that may just be my enthusiasm talking. I started walking - just baby steps - but of course my sister outdoes me everytime by walking farther and eating what she thinks is healthier . . . but now I'm able to step back and let her ego do its thing. I am what I am in my heart and spirit and learning to do what I do on my own terms. I am surprised to discover how much like my mother she is in the world of being right and being "better than". I am seeing a counselor at the free clinic who is helping me get the focus back on me, to be gentle with myself after all I have been through, and learning to NOT work on pleasing others. It's been a long road just to get to the starting line . . . The last piece is money (and learning to face my horrible money issues) and a job, which is the tool I need to move forward. After all these years I was finally able to sit down and actually make a list of the things I want in life. That was very challenging. But I did it! I miss Ariel and Dane very much and talk to them every few days. Ariel is coming up to visit for Mothers Day weekend, and Dane said he might come with her. My goal is to have enough money for them to rent a truck to bring the rest of my stuff up here that Bob has packed up from the house, and send them back on the train. $1,000 for the one way truck, gas, one way train tickets and spending money. Money= Tool to move forward. Focus. Focus. Focus.

Still In The Running

I called Bronwyn at WaterFire Providence yesterday. I got a call from her today to say that I am "high on the list" and that they are trying to arrange the interviews with board members. This was a surprise. She said she thought she could learn a lot from me . . . Wow. I nearly wrote this one off, since it had been a week since the in-person interview. Weird that I am so used to not hearing from potential employers now - that is the way of things if they aren't interested. So, light a candle and dance the dance! This could be good.

Who'll Stop The Rain?

I need some sunshine!!! It's bringing me down - all this rain - everyday for a week now. I started my flower seeds and I am afraid that they got over-soaked. I have to accept that my new location is three weeks behind in warm weather and spring bursting versus the mid-atlantic. But I need some sun! I want to sit outside and listen to the sounds of spring! A good lesson in patience here, I suppose. Ready for renewal.

Spending Time Looking At The Stars

A seemingly mindless activity - looking up at the stars and listening to the night sounds. For me right now, that is what it is meant to be: mindless. I have spent so much time over the past few months with myself and the ego/mind voice that stirs up all my past successes, mistakes, regrets, memories and anxiety for the future, that I am seeking stillness and wonder instead. Mental silence. Stargazing has always been an attraction for me though I can't name one star, planet or constellation. Even when I think I see the big dipper, I can't be sure! Stillness will hopefully generate internal energy and renewal of spirit. I need that. Life just is - and it is time to get control of my mind, body and spirit. Spring has the power to renew life and I'm taking full advantage of it. I have caring and generous friends who have gently fed me some reality doses about who I am and what I need to be doing. It is all good. Very good.

This Could Be The One

I aced the telephone interview today with Bronwyn of WaterFire Providence and have a second interview on Thursday in person. I truly believe this is my job. It is a Development Associate position - managing the database, donor files, cultivation materials, the VIP tent at the fire nights and so on. They need my help to get organized and move forward. I've been there and done it at DCCA and I can do it here. I am calling on the universe to align whatever it takes to get me this job. I will do it well and succeed. Amen.

http://www.waterfire.org/

Rejected Again . . .

I just got my rejection letter from the daycare center for the position I applied for and did 2 interviews for. I think it was because I sat on a little chair with the kids instead of sitting on the floor with them . . . I was in competition with a 20 something who did that. I copied what the lead teacher was doing and I thought it was a way to maintain authority. Hmmmm. It wasn't meant to be.