Back Into the World For a Moment

I had a job interview today at Jenny Craig. I'm still not entirely sure who Jenny Craig is/was, but now Queen Latifah is her good friend. So, aside from the fact that I'd make an excellent client, I could certainly be an excellent consultant too. I am working on migrating my non-profit world skills and abilities to the FOR-PROFIT world. It requires taking a few steps back to look at what I actually did all those years. Since I've never had an assistant or a secretary this translates to Expert at multiple computer programs as well as Guru of office machines. Ha! Yay! You get the idea. So - I will hear from them either way in a week or so. However, it was superb practice for more interviews and I personally think I kicked ass.

Nemo note: To date, he has been by my side day and night - car, bathroon, laundry, outside . . . everywhere. Today, I left him in the house - I went for the interview - and he did just fine. Helen gave him a treat, he relaxed on the couch, watched The Price is Right and waited for me to come back.

Landmark Moments

They say that there are 5-7 landmark moments in life. Each of us can recite them without thinking. They are moments that became the catalyst for a different life direction. Sometimes we created those moments by choice, sometimes they just happened.

My first one was the day I realized "this day, date and time will never happen again." I was 10 years old and messing around in the backyard, digging up the terrain around a huge pile of red ants who were gathered around some food thing on the concrete pad at the bottom of the drain spout. I always did my deepest thinking out in the yard. Looking at the sky, listening to the sounds of the neighborhood, digging, climbing the rocks or just walking around.

The second landmark was my dad passing away. The third was going away to college. The fourth was the birth of my daughter and the fifth, the birth of my son. Those were the cruising years - 27 years of doing the work of living and working and playing and sleeping. The sixth landmark was the cancer illness of my mother. That caused change in many directions, on many levels.

Friday may have been a new landmark moment. Pulling off the highway after the 9 hour trek with Nemo in his bed in the front seat and my things - all the important things that I could fit in the car and not taking so many other important things because it would hurt someone if they were gone - was like suddenly being part of the snap of a rubber band. I could literally feel it in my stomach, in my head, in the music and in the universe. I passed through the threshold of something I can't identify yet.

The Leaving

I left a large part of my life behind on Friday. Have arrived at my new physical destination. But my emotional destination will be a long time coming. My daughter sent me an email with her honest feelings about my leaving. I knew it was coming, but it hit my heart so hard. The mistake I made was being honest with my kids (in their 20s) and offering too much information about what was going on. What I wanted to do with my life now was probably something I should have kept close to my own heart. Well, it wasn't going to be easy no matter what I did. And now life is a day at a time, a step at a time. Thank God for sisters who feel the connection - no matter what. I am part of a new household now, with the dogs, the jobs, the mother in law in residence, the chores, the 16 year old son skate boarding his way through high school . . . definitely a different way of life. I am here to face all my demons and grateful that I don't have to live in a women's shelter, or in my car. I am also grateful to have Nemo with me. Something that is directly mine to care for. Aaahhhhh, the reality is astounding. I will handle it.

Time To Collect Some Good Stuff

So, today was the day I told Bob I was leaving on Friday. The conversation then filled up with all the reasons I will fail and never find any other happiness than what is here. Added to that , the reasons I am such an unhappy person. Added to that, how horrible and dysfunctional the family I am going to stay with is. Added to that, how horrible the world is and there is no hope. Added to that, how important it is for people to stay together and work things out.

So, where was the carrot here? What was the outcome supposed to be? What was I supposed to say next? "Okay, I'll stay. You are right. I am a blob of ridiculous, female fantasy." Essentially, I surrendered. "I can't have this conversation," I said. "I have nothing to tell you. Yes, I am unhappy. Yes, I am probably fantasizing. Yes, I can't tell you what I want because it wouldn't make sense to you. Yes, I understand that the world is a horrible place now and everyone should just stay put." Yikes.

So, I've decided to gather some good things people have said to me. Encouraging, kind and wonderful things that make me think I am not an ugly troll under a collapsing bridge. My friend Sherman wrote this in an email this morning:

"Hi Roberta, I saw/read your blog last night just before I went to bed and I had to write you to tell you I am impressed. I always knew you were special, and I was right. Pretty as a picture and tough as nails. As unsure as you may be about your plight and future, I am confident you’ll persevere, prevail, and succeed in whatever you decide to pursue. You are the true definition of the term “Renaissance Woman”. I am honored to be able to call you my friend."

Thanks, Sherman, for seeing me through a sad day.

Financial Summit Tonight

Tonight is the night. We sit down and do the Debt management plan together. Yikes. This is is for him. Mine comes next, on my own time. My friend Liz told me in an email today that I am brave. Catherine told me that same thing. You know, I think they are right. It is brave to extricate oneself from a toxic relationship and be willing to take the consequences. Walk through the fire to get to the other side. My one hope is that my children will not hate me for this. In time, I think our relationships will be much better. My heart wants it that way. I am just beginning the process of aligning what my heart wants with what I, me, and only me can do to make it real. That is hard. Really hard.

Typos

Make me crazy. I will be better about proofreading from now on.

Local Sanctuary

I spent some time on Thursday meditating in the place I've gone to over the years when all was lost. There is a monastery nearby and I've always found the door open. It is small, quiet, very medieval feeling and extremely sacred and safe. I'm not sure monks live there anymore. They used to walk the neighborhood. One in particular used to wave at every car that went by him. Once I walked knocked on the door to the large stone house. No one answered but the door was open. I went in and turned right down the hallway. There was an office, and a beautiful library on the way to the chapel. I was looking for someone to talk to. No one seemed to be there. I spent time in the chapel, and on that day, went to visit the beehives they keep behind the house.

Anyway, I was seeking my last bit of strength to face the departure. I found it. Now my task is to talk with Dane and tell him. Then Bob. It's going to be a difficult but necessary course of events. I will leave for the final time. I can certainly come back to visit Ariel and Dane, but I can't think about that right now. For now, I go.