The Leaving

I left a large part of my life behind on Friday. Have arrived at my new physical destination. But my emotional destination will be a long time coming. My daughter sent me an email with her honest feelings about my leaving. I knew it was coming, but it hit my heart so hard. The mistake I made was being honest with my kids (in their 20s) and offering too much information about what was going on. What I wanted to do with my life now was probably something I should have kept close to my own heart. Well, it wasn't going to be easy no matter what I did. And now life is a day at a time, a step at a time. Thank God for sisters who feel the connection - no matter what. I am part of a new household now, with the dogs, the jobs, the mother in law in residence, the chores, the 16 year old son skate boarding his way through high school . . . definitely a different way of life. I am here to face all my demons and grateful that I don't have to live in a women's shelter, or in my car. I am also grateful to have Nemo with me. Something that is directly mine to care for. Aaahhhhh, the reality is astounding. I will handle it.

Time To Collect Some Good Stuff

So, today was the day I told Bob I was leaving on Friday. The conversation then filled up with all the reasons I will fail and never find any other happiness than what is here. Added to that , the reasons I am such an unhappy person. Added to that, how horrible and dysfunctional the family I am going to stay with is. Added to that, how horrible the world is and there is no hope. Added to that, how important it is for people to stay together and work things out.

So, where was the carrot here? What was the outcome supposed to be? What was I supposed to say next? "Okay, I'll stay. You are right. I am a blob of ridiculous, female fantasy." Essentially, I surrendered. "I can't have this conversation," I said. "I have nothing to tell you. Yes, I am unhappy. Yes, I am probably fantasizing. Yes, I can't tell you what I want because it wouldn't make sense to you. Yes, I understand that the world is a horrible place now and everyone should just stay put." Yikes.

So, I've decided to gather some good things people have said to me. Encouraging, kind and wonderful things that make me think I am not an ugly troll under a collapsing bridge. My friend Sherman wrote this in an email this morning:

"Hi Roberta, I saw/read your blog last night just before I went to bed and I had to write you to tell you I am impressed. I always knew you were special, and I was right. Pretty as a picture and tough as nails. As unsure as you may be about your plight and future, I am confident you’ll persevere, prevail, and succeed in whatever you decide to pursue. You are the true definition of the term “Renaissance Woman”. I am honored to be able to call you my friend."

Thanks, Sherman, for seeing me through a sad day.

Financial Summit Tonight

Tonight is the night. We sit down and do the Debt management plan together. Yikes. This is is for him. Mine comes next, on my own time. My friend Liz told me in an email today that I am brave. Catherine told me that same thing. You know, I think they are right. It is brave to extricate oneself from a toxic relationship and be willing to take the consequences. Walk through the fire to get to the other side. My one hope is that my children will not hate me for this. In time, I think our relationships will be much better. My heart wants it that way. I am just beginning the process of aligning what my heart wants with what I, me, and only me can do to make it real. That is hard. Really hard.

Typos

Make me crazy. I will be better about proofreading from now on.

Local Sanctuary

I spent some time on Thursday meditating in the place I've gone to over the years when all was lost. There is a monastery nearby and I've always found the door open. It is small, quiet, very medieval feeling and extremely sacred and safe. I'm not sure monks live there anymore. They used to walk the neighborhood. One in particular used to wave at every car that went by him. Once I walked knocked on the door to the large stone house. No one answered but the door was open. I went in and turned right down the hallway. There was an office, and a beautiful library on the way to the chapel. I was looking for someone to talk to. No one seemed to be there. I spent time in the chapel, and on that day, went to visit the beehives they keep behind the house.

Anyway, I was seeking my last bit of strength to face the departure. I found it. Now my task is to talk with Dane and tell him. Then Bob. It's going to be a difficult but necessary course of events. I will leave for the final time. I can certainly come back to visit Ariel and Dane, but I can't think about that right now. For now, I go.

Men, Women and The Mirror

I have a theory about men, women and mirrors. I have this theory because I have recently spent time looking at myself in the mirror, asking myself what I really want at this new stage of my life. At first it was creepy to stare into my own eyes in the mirror and it took practice to stop looking away. I felt like I was looking at someone I didn't know. Surprise, surprise. My theory is about a delve into the inside, through your own eyes, and how men and women, approach it differently. I realize that many cultures already have this down but this is my world and I'm still working on things.

Men at the mirror are generally there each day shaving off the beard growth. Taking something off their face. I believe that men don't delve in too far while doing a quick shave. They are cleaning up, casting things aside, washing things away. In theory, starting the day with a clean slate. Bring it on. Hear my roar. Ready for any occasion. At the end of the day a man's face has collected beard growth, food, job dirt. Next shave, get rid of it all. Clean and ready again.

Women are at the mirror adding make up to their face. Covering up, balancing the colors, settng the boundaries. I believe women delve in very far, making a visual version of their inner goings on as they approach the day. Different make up for different occasions, work and leisure. At the end of the day a woman's make up has deteriorated reflecting the activities of the day. Job dirt on top of the make up, eye liner smudged from crying (maybe), color gone. At the end of the day the beauty has been worn away. Then, washed clean and ready for more additions the next day. Added again. And again. And again.

So - the questions are: Do women or men spend more time looking in the mirror to learn who they really are inside? Who learns more? Does one take more time than another on the inner investigation or the outer presentation? Are men or women more comfortable staring into their own eyes in a mirror? And my best idea? Set up a public Shaving/Make Up lab and do a time test.

So, try this: Look in the mirror at yourself and ask some questions. Start easy, such as Hey, what is your favorite ice cream flavor? Answer yourself. Move on to medium, such as Do you think you really need to get Starbucks coffee everyday? Answer yourself. And finally, hard, such as What and where do you want to be a year from now? Five years from now? Answer those too. Understandably, you may have to get back to yourself on that one.

I think this activity is profoundly therapeutic for anyone - at least once a week. Did I mention that I am all about a well-groomed man in a clean, white t-shirt?

New Doors Opening

It is early January, 2008 and the past year has been one of the most challenging times of my life. I spent a year taking care of my mom who went through cancer treatments and then a broken hip. I left my home, quit my teaching job and lived with her to provide daily care. It was a hard decision, yet I knew it was the right thing to do, and I also knew there would be life-changing consequences that I believed I could conquer as they occured. During her illness I painted for the first time in a long, long time. I painted in the middle of the night - part of my brain concentrated on the art, the other part constantly aware of mom sleeping, waking, getting sick and needing me by her side. Mom is back on her feet and my sister is on duty for the time being. Now, I am starting life over again. Seeking a new job, divorced, turned 50, needing a place to live, need an income. What life challenges were presented to me this year! So, 2008 is a new beginning in so many ways. I welcome the friendship and support the eons.com community is providing.. Thanks, for giving me this safe haven to explore. Peace.